Funny things

Smile and the world smiles with you.

Browsing Posts in Stories

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a toilet and stands by a urinal. After a while, seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a man next to him: “Could I have a little help with aiming here?”

The man is ready to help, but does not want to look at the other mans penis. Anyway, after a few seconds of holding it he thinks: “Hey, I’m holding it, right? So I should look, whats the difference now!”

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking: ” What the hell is wrong with it??”

The “armless” man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says “I dunno, but I ain’t gonna touch it!”

Two drunks lay on the road.

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. “Lady”, said the drunk, “that’s the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!” As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. “What’s the matter, madam?” he asked. “I’ve just been horribly insulted” she sobbed. “There there,” said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. “Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here’s a banana for the chimp..” 🙂

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees his old friend Proud Eagle (a westernized Cherokee) sitting on his porch. He figures he’ll have a little fun…
Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Proud Eagle: “Dog no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ alright.”
Proud Eagle: <shock>
Cowboy: ” Is this man your owner?”
Dog: “Yep”
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Proud Eagle: <look of disbelief>
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Proud Eagle: “Horse no talk. Never.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Proud Eagle: <extreme look of shock>
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? ” pointing at Proud Eagle.
Horse: “Yep”
Cowboy: “How’s he treating you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Proud Eagle: <totally amazed>
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Proud Eagle: “Sheep lie!”

StirrupA blonde from California decides to try horseback riding. She has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

ShampooA blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.

On the third floor a man gets on who’s perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, “Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.”

To which the blonde replies, “Head, yes, ok. But how do you give shoulders?”